I've had issues with my body image for years, I remember feeling fat as a teenager when I weighed 50 kilos! Getting ready for one of my first nights out and sobbing over my fat belly and wobbly bum! Thinking back I looked bloody amazing in size 8 hot pants and a cropped top with a tight lace body stocking dress. A slick of heather shimmer lipstick and suede ankle boots finished off the look...well it was the 90's! I got over my fears, jumped on the bus to town and got on it! Dancing to Haddaway, De Lacy and crap euro pop tunes while drinking bottles of glow in the dark lemon hooch. Happy skinny days!
From slinky size 8 beginnings to a well rounded size 16...how did I get here?! Having the freedom to cook for myself at university not to mention the student drinking saw me gain weight steadily. Qualifying as a nurse in 2001 introduced me to the world of shift working and a time honoured system of rewarding my self with food. I work long hard hours so I deserve this takeaway meal and bottle of wine. Sound familiar?
Over the years I have managed to diet with success, losing around 5 - 8kg by following points based diets. Its usually the motivation of a summer holiday that pushes me to trim down. Having a deadline and picturing myself in a bikini has always worked. It's such an amazing feeling to shop for pretty holiday clothes, and fitting into a smaller size is such a positive validation. I usually make it down to a size 12 and feel a great sense of achievement, slinky, smart and sexy with it.
But I do love my good times! Instead of enjoying my new found confidence, eating in moderation and trying to maintain my new shape, I eat and drink to excess. I love to 'treat myself' as a reward for the 3 months or so of strict dieting. But after the holiday the treats just keep on coming! I arrive home tanned and rested only to fall right back into old habits. The result? Weight gain with interest! As my tan fades I fold up my pretty summer dresses for storage, packing them into a nifty vacuum bag and not yet realising that they don't belong to me any more. They belong to another woman. Brightly coloured, fitted, flattering or floaty this wardrobe belongs to another version of myself. A slim, trim Cinderella who only comes out once a year and soon not at all. If only I could pack myself into a vacuum bag...the future of shape underwear maybe?! You saw it here first!
Sadly, size 12 is but a distant memory for me. I'm firmly, well actually a wobbly size 16! And if I'm honest a size 18 wouldn't go amiss in some things. Bloody hell how did I get here? It's like the talking heads song...letting the days go by (and eating enormous portions!) Ha! My gorgeous husband or GH is so supportive. After almost 10 years and 15 kilos he still complements me. I feel ashamed to be honest, as if I have let him down. How can he find this pale fat woman attractive? I'm well padded that's for sure! Great big pillowy boobs and soft arms frame a mound of a stomach. Curves in all directions! I could pass for 6 months pregnant if I let my belly pooch out! And the latest addition to the fat club? Rolls of back fat! Yummy!
So its established that I love my good times...any excuse to celebrate right? I see good food and free flowing wine as the perfect medium. Actually scrap that, my portions always run towards large! I love to cook and feel that planning and preparing a huge treat meal is the perfect way to express love. A huge main with matched wine followed by a rich calorific dessert. Lovely! This became standard for us, and I would match GH's portions with ease. Fast forward to today and here I am blogging about being fat! Oh the shame ;)
Being overweight has affected my confidence, I'm sure GH sees it. But if you were to ask my friends I'm not sure that they would have noticed. I talk about my weight openly, dress to accentuate my great boobs and in the right company I'm chatty, confident and outgoing. Gasp! Am I the bubbly fat girl?!!
Don't start today what can be put off until tomorrow....or the next day, or maybe on Monday?! Up until today that sentence perfectly sums up my weight gain. I've spent 15 years looking down at my expanding curves wishing I could be bothered to do something about them. It's only now at 33 I'm realising that my size has health implications. My waist measurement puts me in the high risk category for diabetes and heart disease, I'm officially obese! I would love to have a family one day...I don't want to be an overweight mother.
So this is it! No more excuses, no going back now lady! I've signed up to the Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation. I'm determined to change my outlook, to make positive healthy choices and take the first steps toward becoming a healthy, happy me.
I'm officially a transformer! I plan to share my journey here...an open honest blog of my experiences, thoughts, victories and stumbles! Expect typos, and warts n'all photos :)
Watch this space and wish me luck!
Xx
